


I've Taught You Well Young Jedi In An Ascot

by BlurglesmurfKlaine



Series: My Old Drabbles/One-Shots [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Puckurt friendship - Freeform, this is like 70 percent crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlurglesmurfKlaine/pseuds/BlurglesmurfKlaine
Summary: Basically, Puckurt friendship (with a lil bit of Klaine) throughout the years; five times Puck made and inappropriate joke and one time he didn’t ;)
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Kurt Hummel & Noah Puckerman
Series: My Old Drabbles/One-Shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653112
Comments: 3
Kudos: 83





	I've Taught You Well Young Jedi In An Ascot

**Author's Note:**

> Original Year Posted: 2015

1\. 

“Hey!” Puck called down the hall towards Kurt.

The smaller boy turned around and his eyes widened in fear when he saw Puck. He slowly turned back around, hoping the guy who tossed him in the dumpster wasn’t talking to him, and tried walking away before a hand grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.

Kurt all but squeaked. He shut his eyes closed. “Look, I don’t have any lunch money today—”

“I don’t want your lunch money.” Puck said, and Kurt slowly opened his eyes. "I’m trying to apologize to you.“ The mohawked boy said. 

He cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Wait, what?”

“We’re a team now,” Puck started, surprising Kurt. “And that means we should start acting like one. So from now on, no more dumpster diving for you, and I’m sorry.”

Kurt narrowed his eyes. “What’s the catch?”

“What makes you think there’s a catch?”

“You threw pee balloons at me.”

“You’ve got me there…” There was a pause. “I dunno, man.” He rubbed his hand behind his neck. “It’s just that ever since I joined HomoExplos—I mean Glee Club, it really opened my eyes.” Puck shrugged. “Love is love, and more importantly, a hole is a hole, so it doesn’t matter if you prefer kittens or roosters, you know what I mean?”

Kurt’s jaw dropped. He did not just say _that_. Obviously, Puck was a little too comfortable talking about these types of things. Kurt was _not._

“What I’m trying to say,” Puck continued. “Is that I’m behind you, not matter what or who you feel like sticking your dic—”

“Okay!” Kurt interrupted him, face turning a bright red shade. “I get it, I forgive you, just please, please, _please stop talking.”_ He brought his hands up to his ears, still in shock over how easily talking about this subject came to Puck.

Puck smiled, sighed and draped an arm over Kurt’s shoulder as they started walking to Glee together. “You know what, Hummel?”

Kurt looked up at him cautiously, praying to a God that he didn’t believe in that Puck would stop talking about sex.

“This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.”

  
2\. 

“Funk.” Said Mr. Shue as he wrote the word on the board. “Use it in a sentence.”

Rachel shrugged dishearteningly. “This cheese smells funky.”

Puck mimicked an obscene wiping gesture geared toward Rachel. “That’s because it’s from unda-cheese.”

She glared at him. “Shut it Puckerman!” She yelled.

Kurt sat next to Puck and rolled his eyes, arms crossed. “I would gasp, but that would imply that I’m actually shocked at the fact that you’d make a dirty joke like that.”

Puck rested his arm around Kurt as he usually did when they sat next to each other in class. “I’m hilarious!” He grinned at his friend.

Kurt raised his eyebrows. “You’re perverted and weird.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, Puck.”

  
3\. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you’re transferring.”

Kurt was cleaning out his locker as Puck leaned up against the wall next to him, pouting. 

Kurt didn’t respond to him. He didn’t want to start crying again.

“I could protect you, you know.” He stood up straight. “Like I said, we’d do the whole Secret Service thing, build a human wall around you!”

“I’m sorry for not telling you,” Kurt said, closing his locker. “But I’ve made my decision.”

Kurt started walking away and Puck followed him. “Fine… But if you ever need anything, promise you won’t hesitate to call me.”

“It’s a pretty safe environment.” Kurt rolled his eyes. “I can handle myself just fine.”

Puck waggled his eyebrows at Kurt’s words. “Wanky.”

Kurt stopped in his tracks and gave Puck a disappointed-but-not-surprised glare. “Honestly,” he started, shaking his head. “How is it you can turn literally fucking anything into a dirty joke?”

Puck shrugged and smirked. “It’s a gift.”

  
4.

Puck wiped at his eyes as he watched Kurt and Blaine singing on the stage. 

_**Blow the candles out  
** _ _**Looks like a solo tonight  
** _ _**But I think I’ll be alright** _

As soon as the Warblers finished their set, Puck ran backstage to greet his best friend.

Kurt’s eyes widened with delight when he saw the familiar sight of a mohawk. “Puck!” He squealed with delight, running to give him a hug.

“It feels like ages!” Puck said into Kurt’s shoulder. When he pulled back, he saw Blaine standing behind Kurt and raised his eyebrows.

Kurt followed his line of sight. “Puck you’ve met Blaine the warbler, now meet—” He reached out for Blaine’s hand and brought him closer. “Blaine my boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, officially.” Blaine said, extending an hand towards Puck.

“Wait, this the same guy who sucked face with Berry at her train wreck of a party?”

“Puck!” Kurt’s eyes widened in embarrassment. He shook his head and faced Blaine. “I’m sorry, he doesn’t have a filter.”

Blaine chuckled. “It’s all right. Yeah, that’s me.”

“I mean, I’m cool with whatever gender you wanna suck face with.” Puck said unceremoniously accompanied by a shrug. Kurt dragged a hand down his face. “Or anything else you wanna suck on, if you catch my drift.”

Kurt reached over and pinched Puck’s arm, a dirty look on his face. 

“Ow!” The tallest cried out. “What the hell was that for?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Noah Puckerman, you know damn well what that was for.”

He rolled his eyes as they started to walk back to the audience. Puck put his arm around both of them and walked with them.

“By the way,” he said to Blaine quietly. “If you ever hurt Kurt, I’ll kick your ass.”

  
5\. 

Kurt was on top of Blaine, grabbing at his shoulders and pulling him closer as their lips slid against one another’s in a frantic manner, both giving little hums of pleasure.

Blaine wrapped one arm around Kurt’s back as he pulled away to start pressing kisses against Kurt’s neck (he really had a thing for neck kisses, apparently). He rolled them over so their positions were switched, and in response, Kurt threw his head back and lifted his hips just slightly. He closed his eyes and let out a breathy moan. “Oh my god, _Blaine_.”

Kurt started reaching for the buttons on Blaine’s shirt when the door to Kurt’s room suddenly swung open. “Hey, Kurt, Finn sent me in here to— _woah!_ Get some boys!”

Kurt threw his head back in frustration while Blaine scrambled off of him, cheeks burning red. 

Kurt threw a death glare in Puck’s direction. _I am going to kill you_ , he mouthed.

Puck stood by the doorway, leaning on the side of it and Kurt sat up. “Sorry to interrupt,” Puck said. “Do you need anything?” He asked with a sly grin. “Condoms? Lube? I know this great sex shop with awesome butt plugs, I used one on—”

“ _PUCK!_ ” Kurt screeched, getting up and going to the door. “ _SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!_ ”

Puck shrugged with mock innocence. “I’m just trying to be of assist—”  
He was met with a door slamming in his face. He couldn’t help but smirk when he heard Kurt turn the lock.

From the other side of the door, Kurt heard a muffled, _“Be sure to use protection, I learned that lesson the hard way!”_

“Puck, I swear to _God_ —”

Blaine reached out for Kurt’s hand and suddenly pulled him in for a long kiss. “Hey,” he mumbled quietly and with a smile. “You can kill him later, but we were kind of in the middle of something.”

  
1.

The entire New Directions were huddled around the file cabinet in the corner of the choir room, trying to retrieve one of Sugar’s rings that had rolled under the small crack between it and the floor.

Finn was lying on the floor, using one of his drumsticks to reach the jewelry.

“Maybe you should try a different angle,” Blaine suggested.

Rachel crossed her arms. “You’re doing it all wrong, babe.” She said, then reaching out for the stick, said, “Here, let me try.”

She got down on the ground and stuck the drumstick under the crevasse.

“Don’t put it in too hard or else it’s gonna get stuck!” Cried Finn.

Before Kurt even knew what was happening, he found himself muttering, “That’s what she said.”

Slowly, the whole club turned their heads to give sideways glances at Kurt. His eyes widened as he realized what he’d just said. “I am so sorry!” He said, bringing his hands to his mouth and shaking his head. “I-I don’t know why—”

Suddenly, Puck cried out. _“OOOHHHHHHHHH!”_ And raised his arms in victory.

He ran over to Kurt and raised his hand up, waiting for his friend to hi-five it. Kurt glared at him and begrudgingly slapped his hand.

“This is the proudest moment of my life,” Puck mocked, bringing a hand up to his chest.

“Shut up,” Kurt said flatly, shaking his head.

“After three years, I have finally corrupted Kurt Hummel—”

“This is all your fault.”

“I’ve taught you well, young Jedi in an ascot.”

“I hate you.”


End file.
